Off the Mat

New Blog

2011-02-19T14:40:00.002-05:00

For various reasons, I've moved my blog to another website and will now be blogging more regularly (2 x/week), so please visit: yogainraleigh.wordpress.com

WWTD? (what would a tree do)

2011-02-02T09:38:00.009-05:00

There's something about being in nature that feels inherently good, balanced, supportive and in harmony. Living in the city, I can't access those immense energetic affects daily, so engaging nature's wisdom requires periodic visits and then visualizing and embodying it's essence.

In tree pose, I'll often send my 'roots' down into the floor, the 'earth', and feel the affect this has on me - structurally, emotionally, etc. It's amazingly peaceful and having established a firm foundation, deep roots allow for freedom of flexibility in the 'trunk' and 'branches'.

In mountain pose, I embrace the solidness of my structure and support from the 'earth' which provides me a base from which to support other living beings.

And, in meditation, I'll sometimes view my mind as a lake. As fluctuations (thoughts) 'ripple' across the surface, beneath there remains an immense calm and clear stillness.

Like a tree, I am rooted, balanced, and in harmony.

Like a mountain, I am strong, stable, and supportive.

Like a lake, underneath the ripples I am calm, clear, and deep.

Bringing the outside, within

2011-01-24T13:52:00.003-05:00

Grounded means to live from the inside out. Noticing warmth or coolness, tingling or pressure, pain or joy, boredom or intensity. Being present in the moment. Bringing the outside, within. Embodied.

Being grounded does not promise a joyful life. However, when the journey is not easy, an embodied response feels supported throughout the entire process, by my structure, by the Universe. A grounded life encourages authenticity by providing a more accurate experience of, and response to, the moment. When I'm grounded, I feel that my experience of the world is based on my internal environment, which leads me to take greater responsibility towards my own happiness.

Being grounded does not mean that I must always be thinking about the present moment. It means I can consciously choose to reflect into the future or on the past, and then return to the present moment without getting lost in my head.

We spend way too much time in our heads creating stories which justify our actions and circumstances or provide some sense of security. At best, these stories separate us from the present moment and at worst, create further suffering.

That said, the mind is not our enemy – it is an extremely valuable tool in navigating the world. Therefore, the next time you feel stuck in your story, here's how grounding yourself can help you to change the channel.

1. STOP
2. notice your BREATH, the inhale and exhale
3. THANK the mind for all the wonderful ways it helps you maneuver in the world
4. tell the mind that it is NOT BEING HELPFUL right now
5. connect with your breath
6. GROUND yourself - feel the body from the inside out: breath, sensations, heat, coolness - whatever comes up.

As the mind attempts to reassert itself with a story, again thank the mind and ground yourself in bodily sensations.

The practice of living a grounded life can create freedom from the tyranny of your thoughts and lead you towards a path of authenticity, wisdom and wholeness.

Surely there is no greater gift.

Change the Channel

2010-12-06T16:06:00.011-05:00

This week we experienced the first snow of the year. Everything (except the roads) received a beautiful light white dusting. There was excitement in the air and we found ourselves periodically just gazing, quietly, out the window - not at anything specific, just the view. Somehow, a change in the environment can alter one's inner landscape, which changes everything. That's also what happened to me this past week during a Yoga retreat.

Upon returning, I felt a little lighter and began seeing things differently, unstuck from some particularly worrisome thoughts. It's as if I'd just changed the channel.

It's not unlike the affect that our Yoga practice has on our psyche. People come to class sometimes with worry on their faces, having something heavy on their mind. During the hour and a half, they decide to suspend their preoccupations and commit to practice. At the end of class, there is usually a lighter look on people's faces, as the group takes cohesion and absorbs into a more peaceful space.

It takes faith in the process, a belief that we each have limited control, and a knowing that connecting with our breath, our bodies and our peaceful spirit, will lead to greater insights on the other side. It's not all up to us. We can access a broader knowing. Yoga can help you to alter your internal environment, as if a light dusting of snow had just fallen on all the surfaces and made everything bright and new.

Mindfulness

2010-12-03T14:21:00.006-05:00

It's almost two weeks into my daily mindfulness practice. Although I've taught and practiced mindfulness for years, I've often accessed it only 'as needed' and not as a way of living, every moment of every day.

This doesn't mean that during the past two weeks I've been completely present. Daydreaming and editorial commentaries have been rampant. Setting awareness as my intention means that when I catch my mind wandering, I return to the present.

The impetus for this change started with a recent Harvard study which found that people who live in the present moment are happier. Perfect timing for me as I was preparing to teaching a mindfulness meditation class - nothing like a little scientific research to provide motivation and credibility. As a result, one of my Chair Yoga students decided to take on the practice as a way of living in order to handle her negative thoughts - and it was working. Ultimately inspired by her, I jumped on board.

It's still early, but here's a little from what I've learned...

* Mindfulness becomes easier with practice. Think of it like learning a new musical instrument. It needs daily and regular practice to feel comfortable. Unlike a musical instrument, practice does not make perfect. That's just the way it is. When you need motivation, remember the reward - a happier life. A wandering mind tends to be critical and negative. The present is neither good nor bad. It just is. Keeping your awareness on the present is like placing the mind in neutral.

* Mindfulness makes life more vivid. You'll notice things you've never noticed before. You'll be more aware of what's going on around you, as well as the subtle sensations that occur in your body and their pure intelligence.

* Sometimes mindfulness is boring. When this happens you'll notice the mind creating stimulating thoughts or 'drama' so as to avoid any semblance of boredom. Since the state of boredom is short-lived when you're being mindful (as are all mental 'fluctuations'), be patient and it will soon shift. This technique is abundantly more healthy than enduring all the waves that occur from drama.

* Mindfulness requires an awake brain. You will begin to notice the affect that food, stimulants, sleep, activity and thoughts have on the strength of your mind and that a weak or dull brain has trouble being mindful. As you begin to strengthen the mind through meditation, mindfulness, physical activity (circulation) and good nutrition, the mind becomes clearer and can more easily stay present.

* Mindfulness gives a more 'real' view of the present. Unaware, we tend to downplay some actions and lift others to higher importance, thus giving a skewed view of reality. In addition, our habitual negative commentary slants the truth. Mindfulness offers a more honest landscape and an opportunity to respond in a proactive (as opposed to reactive, based on previous events) manner for more real interactions.

* Since beginning the practice, I haven't lost or misplaced anything ANY THING. This is huge!

* And, mindfulness reduces the amount of mind yacketty yak (chatter).

There are times when all of us need to bring your mind into the past or future - to plan an event, for example. A mindfulness practice means that you purposefully engage the mind in this manner as needed and then return to the present.

As I'm still on retreat, off to my noon-time meditation. Peace.

Back to the well

2010-12-02T14:25:00.005-05:00

Like clockwork, it's day 4 of my Yoga retreat and I've finally smoothed out. When I'm on retreat, it often takes me 3 days to iron out the static and connect with the flow. During my first day in particular, the silence feels loud as the mind is exceptionally chatty. It's almost as if the brain knows it's about to be quieted for an extended period of time and therefore throws it's last hurrah.

But today is different. The mind is on check and my energy vibe has flattened out.

All of us have our ways of connecting and finding our peaceful center. And although my regular practice of asana, meditation and pranayama create the space and time for me to be mindful, a periodic retreat allows me to deepen and broaden my connection to wholeness.

And all my layers know when I haven't gone down to the well in awhile, as my center begins to feel a bit parched. But that was yesterday.

And today is different.

Now back to a bit more ommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

Putting the Pieces Back Together Again

2010-09-23T21:41:00.005-04:00

You know how it is when you wake up on one of those mornings when your head feels foggy from not enough sleep or too much, or after strange dreams whose meanings preoccupy the space in your head.

It's these mornings when I lie down on my Yoga mat and hug my legs, rock gently back and forth and connect with the feeling of my back on the floor, that I begin to feel myself coming back together again.

This simple and self-nourishing form of Yoga literally feels as if the scattered pieces of some abstract and complicated puzzle are finding their way back to a complete and whole picture. Thus begins my personal practice, enticing me to return soon and regain my wholeness anew, ready to exchange some good vibes.

Humility

2010-06-08T22:39:00.008-04:00

I heard one of my students (a retired Methodist minister who's always singing others' praises) say that I had learned humility from working in a church. Whether that's true or not, he got me thinking again about my relationship with humility.

The first time I came smackdab face-to-face with my lack of it was during my Yoga teacher training.

The Ashram was full, as usual, with more than 300 guests from all over the world. The last program of the evening, called Satsang (meaning teachings), always ended with everyone on their knees bowing down in worship. Every one, that is, except for me who - out of fear, stubborness, and perhaps a whole host of other things - would instead sit upright surrounded by a sea Yogi backsides.

I thought the whole process of bowing down before teachers, statues of gurus, and in worship, strange. These were not my Gods. And at the same time I was not the religion-practicing kind and frankly, was afraid of it. Afraid that I might get roped into something that I didn't believe and before long I'd be walking around in a white robe, shaved head, selling flowers at airports.

But my resistance was also as much about humility.

I remembered watching an Asian woman at the Ashram bowing at the feet of one of the Swamis. In my misguided mind, it somehow seemed more appropriate for an Asian female to exhibit humility as their culture, I thought, demeaned the value of women.

For me, humility meant putting myself in a place of vulnerability and weakness. And as I already had plenty of weaknesses, I for one was not going to tack on another during my trip to India.

It seems my Independent American Woman training did not include humility. I thought that to take care of myself in this male-dominated world required me to be independent-thinking, strong, and always watching my back (which can't hardly be done when you're facing the ground).

Nevertheless, during my stay I slowly began to bow during ceremonies, though only halfheartedly. The biggest crack in my superficial thin shell began the night of our graduation. Having passed the exam, we all sat down on the the floor for our celebration meal, which included an unexpected special treat. One-by-one, our meal was served to us by the three Swamis who had been our teachers. They bowed on their knees before each of us and waited on us individually.

I was so filled with emotion that I could barely contain it. Being treated with such humility by my revered teachers taught me in my bones that humility is not so much about strength or weakness, but is more so a recognition of our interconnectedness and respect for the journey.

Independence had kept me secure, but also separate, and in that way it actually encouraged certain weaknesses born of safety.

In Yoga, there is a pose similar to that of bowing in worship that is called Child's pose. It can be done with complete surrendering, head to the floor, relaxing all the muscles in the body, trusting. It's a nice way to remind myself of the beauty, strength, soft nature of humility. I now go there often on the mat.

Original vs. Photocopy

2010-05-23T22:01:00.011-04:00

Recently, I re-saw some footage from Ram Dass's documentary Fierce Grace. He was talking about the time that he first met his Guru, Neem Karoli Baba. At the time, Ram Dass had been taking hallucinogens as a means of experiencing spiritual ecstasy. His Guru asked to see the drugs, as he'd never taken any, and then he swallowed the bottle whole. Ram Dass watched as the drugs had no affect on him. For Ram Dass, the message his Guru was sending him was that spiritual ecstasy is within and so it was time for him to let go of his methods.

This thought struck me, as we humans love our well-worn methods to get what we want, usually based on what's worked in the past. It reminded me of an interview with Jeff Bridges as he talked about the trap he some times finds himself in whenever he acts a scene perfectly. After congratulating himself, he begins thinking – how can I do that again exactly as I just did it? And that's the trap. Thinking along those lines is like creating a photocopy of yourself, instead of living authentically and spontaneously.

To come to a place in which you admit that you don't know the best way, takes courage. It also takes mindfulness to see our methods, unload them and remain present.

Yoga gives us an opportunity to practice mindfulness in a structured manner so that we can more easily integrate the practice into our everyday lives. The process of watching the breath and feeling the affect of the poses allows us to drop down from our analyzing minds and into our bodies.

So start while you're in a yoga pose, like down-dog, and notice your method:

Pushing: “I need to be able to get my heels down on the floor - just try a little harder.”

Criticism: “Why is it that I cannot get my heels down on the floor? I'm not strong enough or limber enough to do this right.”

Checking-out: “What should we have for dinner tonight?”

Then unload it and move to mindfulness. Feel your body in the pose. Feel how the breath moves your body. No judging, just being. Allow the newness of each inhale remind you of the uniqueness of each moment.

As you practice presence/mindfulness in Yoga, you'll automatically use it in other situations off the mat. You'll notice things differently and with more fullness. And you will respond more appropriately to the uniqueness of each situation, instead of reacting to a previously run tape.

So start offering your authentic self and let Yoga's mindful approach ingrain the practice in your body. After all, a photocopy is always less vibrant and valued than the original.

Embodied grounding

2009-12-26T15:49:00.010-05:00

My first Yoga teacher was smallish in stature, and though in her 60s, walked with a spine as straight and flexible as a pine tree. With the gentlest and most unassuming disposition, she spoke like she was softly singing.

She once told me that in preparation for speaking to her teacher about a conflict, she would do the Warrior Pose. I had not thought of using parts of my Yoga class off the mat to compliment different needs during the day but much later when I revealed to a minister that I was terrified of public speaking, he suggested that while speaking I focus on grounding my feet into the floor, as we do in standing Yoga poses.

It's true that how we carry and move our bodies affects our moods and alters our interactions with others and our environment.

In standing Yoga poses, we focus on the feet - how the weight is carried in the feet and connecting them solidly with the mat and the floor. In one of my favorite standing poses, the Tree Pose, I imagine roots growing from my soles into the Earth - deep and wide. From this rootedness, I can with ease expand my energy, spine, and arms up and out.

Recently I had an opportunity to practice the power of rootedness during an interview. Already a nerve-racking experience, I arrived a few minutes late before a panel of five people. It was the last interview of the day and one of the interviewers proceeded to tell me that there had been plenty of tardiness that day and how disrespectful this was to the panel. As he asked me how long it took to drive from my home to the interview, I began to move my awareness down into my feet and planted them firmly into the floor. Keeping my awareness in my body through watching my breath and feeling the solidity of the floor, I surprisingly answered the questions with unrecognizable calm. I was so amazed by the difference I felt during that interview that I truly understood the power of being grounded.

When you're in the midst of angst, your automatic responses will fall back upon who you are at your core, and if you're practicing Yoga regularly, embodied grounding is a part of you and will, more often than not, arise as needed. ... Just a little encouragement to practice regularly whatever you do to connect with your center - for yourself and those around you.

Show me your belly

2009-12-13T18:02:00.005-05:00

There is something about the nature of the belly that feels warm, soft, open. Whether it’s that of my cat, husband, or my own - connecting with the belly feels like I’m connecting with one’s true essence.

In the Chinese and Japanese traditions, they believe that the navel contains one’s Dantien or energetic center. By focusing on that area during particular movements, they say one can strengthen their life force.

The naval is also the place where we, as mammals, were connected to our mothers in a nurturing, symbiotic relationship from conception to birth.

In Yoga we learn that one of the most fundamental and essential means of nurturing ourselves is through belly breathing. The science of belly breathing states that it activates our parasympathetic nervous system, which elicits the relaxation response and lowers blood pressure, turns on our immunity, calms unruly emotions, and prevents premature aging. I like to think that belly breathing’s greatest gift is the feeling of being more connected to all of life.

To a fault, the belly is the most honest, open and exposed place on a person. Animals know this. To have an animal turn over and bear their belly is a sign of vulnerability.

Yet, within it’s openness also resides its strength. Far below language and facial expressions, the belly’s amazing sounding board registers our intuition. For many of us, the first sign of something ‘not right’ shows up in our gut. It’s also the place that tells us when things are true and good by the overall warm feeling emanating from the belly.

In Mary Oliver’s poem, Wild Geese, she says, “You do not have to be good. You do not have to walk on your knees for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting. You only have to let the soft animal of your body love what it loves.” The soft animal of my body is my belly and I’m learning to trust this truth.

In Praise of Softness

2009-11-27T20:28:00.005-05:00

Just the other night, someone told me that they didn't know what they'd be like if they didn't have Yoga in their life, and I feel the same way.

So grateful.

Today what Yoga has given me is an easy way to connect with the soft underbelly rhythm of life, from the inside out.

Allowing the breath to hold me like a safe cradle, rocking back-and-forth, I feel the aliveness and warmth that arises from my core and tells me that, in this moment, everything is ok.

And, every thing IS ok.

In praise of softness.

The last fruits of Summer watch the changing colors

2009-11-04T08:43:00.001-05:00

Getting Unstuck

2009-09-04T09:52:00.004-04:00

Our mama chickie, Loretta Hen, recently got an egg stuck inside of her. I'd never seen or even heard of such a thing, but there she was walking around in our backyard taking one step, squatting, huffing, letting out a squeal and then starting the whole thing over again. She looked exhausted so we brought her inside to see if we could help.

We didn't know exactly what was going on. But by the looks of it, she seemed to be trying to give birth - holding her breath, pushing, dropping her tail, and then letting out the most human-sounding squeal I've ever heard from a Hen.

We did a quick search on the internet and figured it was a stuck egg, which we could barely see cresting from her hind-end.

We put her in warm water which seemed to stop the contractions and allowed her to rest, but she also stopped trying to push. We then massaged her belly and sides, and to no avail. Some suggested putting oil around the egg, which I attempted with my smallest finger. If you would have told me I'd have been doing this a few years into owning chickens, I would have laughed. But there I was.

A few hours later and with a wet and warn out chickie and no egg, we became concerned as this was a life-threatening condition for a Hen.

One site suggested putting her in a warm, dark, quiet place and letting nature run it's course. As we had no other remedies to try, we found a box and put some towels inside and added food, water, Loretta Hen, and closed the top.

After anxiously waiting only 10 minutes, we heard a small little sound from within the box and looked inside to find Loretta sitting quietly beside her egg.

It was over. Loretta looked relaxed and I was amazed at how little time it took her to do what she needed to do, once she was in the right environment. But then again, that made perfect sense. How many times had I also forgotten what was mine to do - what had previously felt very natural. And in my confusion, I had pushed and pushed, but wasn't able to find my groove.

Looking back on those situations, when I've been able to get into nature for awhile by myself or on a retreat, finding my truth and healing seemed the easiest and most uncomplicated thing in the world to do. Loretta was a good reminder that my inner wisdom and innate natural abilities sometimes just need a supportive and relaxing environment, and a little quiet time, to unfold.

Good Vibrations

2009-07-10T15:57:00.003-04:00

Our kitty purrs very easily - when walking up close to him, petting him, and even while being prodded at the Vet's office. I am in awe of the warm sound that comes from inside his small body and love bringing his belly up to my face, feeling as if I've been reset from his good vibrations. I wonder what it would be like if we humans had the same mechanism. Imagine walking into a coffee shop of visiting friends, and above the sounds of steaming milk and chattering voices you'd hear a warm purring hum. Just thinking about it puts a smile on my face.

Cooking with onions

2009-06-30T11:03:00.005-04:00

I originally found Yoga after 10 years of teaching fitness classes and feeling stressed and saddened by 9/11. My body was tight and felt constricted, and now understanding so much more about the mind-body connection, that explained what was going on mentally and emotionally for me, too. With Yoga, I was able to begin to feel connected to my body, let my mind relax, and feel grounded and at peace in my body and surroundings. This was and is huge for me and is probably the reason many folks take Yoga. I love seeing the relaxed faces of folks leaving class and hearing people say that whatever was bothering them when they came to class, is now gone. For that, I am eternally greatful at being able to experience and share Yoga in community.

As with all healing, there is a layering affect that occurs, like skinning an onion. Once I found that I was able to come to places of peace and feel good in my body after a Yoga class, I was ready for the next level and started experimenting more with meditation. My most profound experience was at a 10-day silent meditation retreat at which we meditated in silence, without moving, for 10 hours a day (broken up into 1 1/2 - 2 hour increments). What most people come away with there is what I am still working on as it's my next layer of healing - sitting with discomfort.

For someone who teaches a gentle form of Yoga, it may sound strange to hear me say that there are transformative benefits of sitting with discomfort. I do not mention it much in class, as I don't think it's where people need to start. But here is what I learned and am still learning in my body from this practice.

You are stronger than you think you are.

You can handle more of life's situations than you think you can handle.

There are many, many unhealthy coping strategies that we use unconsciously to numb, deaden, or distract us from feeling the knot in our stomach or the pain in our heart.

Once you allow yourself to feel strong emotions when they arise, in stillness, and let them pass through your body, you will receive amazing pieces of information about yourself and the meaning behind the intense physical reactions.

The more often that we distract or numb ourselves from being with intense emotions, the stronger they become. They need to be heard, experienced, felt, without judging or supressing.

Please do not think that this means I think you should do a Yoga pose that hurts your knees, hips, back, or any other part of your body. This experimentation of being with discomfort first requires much compassion for your body and it's ability to hold emotions that need releasing. It requires a deep and intimate knowledge of your body. And it necessitates that you learn and understand the difference between physical pain (an injury about to happen) and discomfort.

This has been the next layer of healing for me. In Yoga it is referred to 'freedom from your likes and dislikes.' Your likes and dislikes are often regulated by the effect that the particular situations have on your body (think eating ice cream - like, someone cutting you off in traffic - dislike : what are the sensations that you experience as you think of these scenarios?)

Freedom in Yoga is defined by making decisions in a state of equilibrium/balance - not influenced by short-term sensations in the body.

Though I am an idealist, I don't know that I will ever be able to reach this state. But I do find that there are plenty of times when being able to make a decision or react intentionally and consciously without trying to suppress sensations in my body feels very healthy. The most difficult part of that is reminding yourself, while you are in the middle of the emotion, to just sit and watch the sensations occuring in your body, like a third person observer. It can be pretty intense, but after doing it once, it reduces your fear and allows you to be more present and clear-headed in similar situations. To me, right now, that seems like the ultimate form of living intentionally.

Peeling an onion... it sometimes brings tears but always add more life to the meal :-)

Pass it on!

2009-06-29T14:42:00.005-04:00

I'm in an email group of alternative health practitioners located around the country and often find out about the most up-to-date studies and information regarding mind-body health. Recently, an email went out about a federally-funded free 4-day seminar on how chronic stress affects our health. One person, an M.D., commented that she hoped that someone at the conference would mention 'the whole issue of honesty and loss of ethics and lack of compassion, because they are at the very root of the problem. It is very stressful when no one can trust anyone else and no amount of meditation, or stress management will help if they don't address those root causes.'

I was struck by the direction of her comment as I'd never really considered that before, though once I heard it stated so simply, it made complete sense. So I engaged her further.

Here's more of what she said:

'When people are looking out for only themselves and short-term gain, and will do anything or say anything to get it, the result is no one can trust anyone else. The world becomes a very insecure place in which to live. That is our current condition. It is the orgin of enormous stress for all of us. When we care for others and their long-term gains over our personal mercurial desires, then we automatically are honest and compassionate and that gives us a secure world in which to live.'

So well said and yet so hard to wrap my hands around. As someone who's interested in looking at the cause of illness and applying Yoga, meditation and a healthy lifestyle, this all of a sudden seemed to pale in comparison to living a honest, ethical and unselfish life. How can this be learned and taught?

As if I was being tapped a little harder on the shoulder, not 24 hours later a woman in my Yoga class discussed starting a spiritual women's group and said she was having a hard time getting folks in the group to engage outside of themselves and their own issues. She said it was as if folks were just so self-absorbed. She had asked one of the people in the group what they had done recently for someone else, without expecting anything in return, and that person couldn't think of anything. Ouch!

I'm certainly not preaching or judging, but since you are reading this blog, you must have an interest in Yoga and creating a more peaceful environment, so I ask you to consider ... what have you done lately for someone else, without expecting anything in return? How would you feel about asking your family, friends, neighbors and coworkers?

Honesty, compassion and unselfishness... pass it on!

Reruns

2009-06-03T22:28:00.012-04:00

Even when you don't like doing it, practice anyway and the results will be a calmer, less reactive, more relaxed and more focused mind - so says Jon Kabat-Zinn in Full Catastrophe Living when discussing a mindfulness meditation/yoga practice.

I liken this anology to the effects that a river has on it's riverbed. The rocks (us humans), with our jagged and hard edges, over time become smooth by submitting to the continuous yet gentle flow of the water. Just as our practice smooths away our rough edges over time.

Nonetheless, I periodically find myself unmotivated. I'm not entirely sure why, after all I've been practicing yoga/meditation for over 7 years and have experienced the many wonderful benefits of a disciplined practice.

When my mind retaliates, here's what it usually looks like (Rewind, press 'Play'):

'I have so many other things to do.'
'I can do it this evening.'
'I'll do it tomorrow.'
'I don't have enough time to do it now.'
'When will I eat?'
'I'm hungry.'
'I'm tired.'
'I just ate.'
'There are too many distractions today.'

A mindfulness meditation practice teaches you that you are not our thoughts and can choose whether or not to engage each thought that arrises. Check. I get that, intellectually.

Still, the resistance can be so convincing at times.

From wherever it comes, I'm always thankful when an unassuming soft voice reminds me to practice anyway, and at that moment all the excuses are drained from my awareness. Just like that. A moment before they were so solid, but with a gentle reminder, the resistance completely disappears. I then find myself at peace with my decision to practice and a hopeful wish that the next time I encounter the resistant mind - 'may the force be with me'.

Thank you Obiwan.

Trash talk

2009-05-21T10:14:00.010-04:00

It's garbage day today and with recycling, composting, a veggie garden, culinary herb garden (includes herbal teas), backyard chickens, and bringing our own grocery and plastic bags to the store, we had only ONE GROCERY BAG of trash for the week.

It wasn't necessarily a goal, but thankfully an unintended consequence of living more healthy by being connected to our food sources.

Today, this householder is mighty proud.

lettuce and kale

drying thyme

cooking and tea herbs

fresh eggs

compost

Backyard Chickens

2009-05-20T22:02:00.017-04:00

As a part of my ever-increasing desire to create an edible landscape around our home, we acquired egg-laying backyard chickens last year. Although they are the most low-maintenance pet we've owned, our foray into raising chickens has been anything but boring. There is so much to tell - some happy and some sad.

We received a feather-footed Bantam Hen (whom we named Loretta Hen) and her two young ones from some friends of ours who raise chickens. We'd heard about her long before we got her and the couple thought that these 3 would be the perfect family for our backyard hen house that Clark was building.

The hen house had been converted from a dog house that Clark had built but that the dogs had refused to use. We added some elk antlers across the doorway of the chicken house and named it the Elk Lodge for Wayward Hens. That seemed appropriate.

From the moment that we brought the 3 chickens home, our youngest dog, Roxy, a.k.a., Roxy Balboa the Lightweight Champion of the World, terrorized them. She ran back and forth in front of their coop and barked until they jumped up on top of the house. It was not a good situation.

One night we came home late on a 'high' (after being on the stage behind Obama during his acceptance speech to win N.C.'s primary) and walked into a horrific scene in our kitchen. Roxy had killed and torn apart the two young chickens that we had grown to love. Their feathers and innards were all over the house, but Loretta was nowhere to be found. We looked all over the yard and our neighbors yards as well, but no Loretta. Since it was late, we waited until morning to finish our search.

The next morning, after calling her name and looking up in the trees, we finally looked deep under the deck and she was all the way back under the far end of the deck. I slowly started calling her name and asking her to come out. Little by little she started to come out from under the deck. The sun was out and she slowly walked beside me, sat down, and let out the longest, saddest wail you've ever heard. And then lied down and closed her eyes, as if she hadn't slept all night from the fear and saddness. We were devastated.

Afterwards, Loretta would not come out of the hen house. She stopped laying eggs for 6 weeks. And we quickly knew we had to get some company for her, so we found 4 young bantams and brought them home to Loretta, who quickly became the school teacher of her classroom. In the meantime, we double-fortified the hen house with double fencing + an electric fence 4 feet from the coop with black cloth behind it so that Roxy could not get close to the chickens, much less see them. They were safe from her chicken-eating eyes.

As life turned out, we had an invitation to travel and live out West on a ranch for 3 months (which later became 6 months). Now that we had 5 chickens, we pondered leaving them with a friend locally who has a horse farm and plenty of free range chickens. We took the 4 little ones and Loretta out to the farm, but Loretta didn't get along with the other adult chickens (we think she's an Alpha), so we took her with us out West by car to the ranch. She laid an egg on the way out in our little car and cackled and the dogs barked and whined and 3 days later we were on the ranch.

The ranch had 50 acres of land for 20 free-range chickens and one bantam rooster. Loretta quickly befriended the rooster, Jose, and they were always together. They even roosted side-by-side. She seemed content with him, but didn't get along with some of the larger older chickens. And, she didn't seem to be laying eggs. Not a good sign.

Not surprisingly, while we were on the ranch Roxy killed a very large black chicken. I knew it was just a matter of time until she would kill again and I had read about someone who tied a killed chicken around their dog's neck and it cured the dog of chasing chickens. So, immediately we tied the large chicken around Roxy's neck. That might seem barbaric, but the owner of the ranch insisted as well. I was willing to try anything, so we did it.

Roxy was completely miserable. She kept stopping and trying to nudge the chicken as if to say - 'ok, get up now. Game's over.'

All the other dogs and cats gave her wierd looks, trying to figure out why she had a chicken tied around her neck, as if to say - 'you're one wierd dog'. Roxy looked embarrassed.

We already had plans to go into town and couldn't leave Roxy outside with the chicken around her neck, as there were coyotes and even wild cats right outside the perimeter of the ranch, so we tied her up in the bathroom around the toilet with the chicken around her neck (we didn't want her walking around the house dragging a chicken around).

A few hours later one of the guys visiting the ranch went to check on Roxy and felt sorry for her because she looked so pitiful and he untied the chicken from her neck and put the chicken out on the land for the coyotes to eat.

Since then, Roxy has wanted nothing to do with chickens. She doesn't avoid them, but she's not in the least bit interested in chasing them or dealing with them at all.

When we got back to Raleigh by car with Loretta, the 2 dogs and a cat we had adopted, we decided to get more chickens for Loretta as the 4 we'd left on the local farm were doing fine where they were. We got an email from a friend of a friend who had two Belgian D'anvers that they wanted to get rid of. They had been show chickens. They were like pets to their family and I took them home with a care package and instructions to feed them bananas and oatmeal for treats.

After a 24-hour period of Loretta establishing her dominance (which is not fun to see, but I guess the way chickens establish their 'pecking order'), they were the best of friends. They walk around free range in the backyard with the dogs and the cat.

It's like night and day with Roxy and chickens. Every once in awhile when one of the chickies comes over to eat her food, Roxy looks at the chickie like something isn't right here - 'aren't I supposed to be chasing you?' She looks a little confused, but then just shrugs it off and looks the other way. I'm so glad she's over that.

We're finally the big, happy, multi-breed family that I always hoped we'd be. ;-)

The Space in Between

2009-05-01T09:48:00.013-04:00

All of life is precious - every little thing from the leaves that change to the winds that blow and the chickies in our backyard that lay eggs and then sing. All striving to live, prosper, make their mark on the Earth with what they've been given and doing what is theirs to do.

It is all such a mystery and try as I might, my head cannot wrap around the complexity of all that is happening and why.

Slowing down and appreciating is the only act of humanity I can do to express my gratitude and awe of this pure miracle. It's also the best place to go when I am completely confused and saddened by life. All of life is amazingly strong and yet completely vulnerable. Everything matters.

And so, if I can give attention to the dying and changing, I will also give equal measure to the strong, stable and resilient. This is where I have found my peace today - the space between gratitude and sadness.

An Uncomplicated Heart

2009-04-15T11:17:00.025-04:00

This is Mosi (pronounced moe-see), a.k.a., Mosito, Mosimo, Lion Queen of the Jungle, Crocodile (she has a funny walk), and Chakra Balancer. I have never owned a Feline, but she is the most intriguing and interesting animal that I have ever had.

She adopted us in Utah, a few minutes after we passed a bald eagle sitting on a fence 20 feet from us. Bald eagles have an amazing presence and in the Native tradition they represent spiritual power, healing, creation and feminine energy.

Eagle feathers are sacred to the Native Americans and since the eagle is protected by the U.S. Government, it is a felony for anyone to possess them who is not of Native American blood, unless given to them by a Native out of deep respect and gratitude.

My husband has two eagle feathers - one passed down to him by his father, which was given to him by a Chief of the Crow Nation. Another was given to him by a Medicine Woman, Charlie Maguire, who received it from her teacher, Grandmother Caroline, a Hopi Medicine Woman. We sometimes use the eagle feathers in sage-ing eachother, the house, or newly acquired objects to clear any bad ju-ju.

If an Eagle shows up in your life, the medicine that it brings (according to Animal Speak) is:

the need for creativity
a willingness to experience extremes in a safe environment to facilitate personal change
a willingness to use passions to purify and use your abilities even if it means being scorched a little
a willingness to seek out the true emotional aspects of oneself to rediscover the lost child and awaken a higher sense of purity, passion, creativity, healing, and spirituality.

The last reason is why Mosi adopted us.

We found Mosi, which is Navajo for Cat, in a small town crossing the road very slowly (Mosi doesn't 'do' quick). She had walked to the center line, turned around and came back into our lane. As we approached she faced us and sat down in front of our moving car. We screeched on the brakes and later concluded that she was probably saying, 'take me home or take me out of my misery!"

She was skin and bones. Snow was frozen to her paws and she had scratches on her face. When we gave her water, she drank for 40 minutes. It took her 3 days to go to the bathroom after feeding her tuna. She was ours.

I always keep a special place in my heart for animals and I think that is because, unlike humans, their hearts are uncomplicated. When I look at her I think, she is so wise, and she's probably thinking -- they have so much to learn!

Here's some of what she teaches us.

Slow down, forgive quickly, play and rest:
Mosi almost never moves quickly - except when a dog gets a little too close, then she smacks them and quickly forgets about it. Also, she occasionally is chased by an imaginary friend around the house, gets worn out and frazzled, and then takes a nap.

Get plenty of Vitamin D:
I often have to fight Mosi for the warm spots in the house on a cold day. On a lazy Saturday afternoon, she and I will both find the spots on the floor where the sun is shining and warm our stomachs.

Never judge your strength, power and presence by your size:
We often see Mosi as a Lynx or a Lion and that's probably because that's the way she sees herself. One time Clark was walking in the living room and he almost stepped on Mosi who was at his feet. She looked at him with the most perturbed expression as if to say, 'how could you have missed me doof - I'm 8 feet tall!'

Greet everyone who comes into your space:
There is not a Yoga class at our house in which Mosi doesn't come up to all the participants and give them a nod. She's even been known to run out to greet the mailman and a cyclist riding down our street.

Be respectful of others' personal space:
Before jumping up onto the bed, on the desk where I'm working, or on any space where I am, she always asks permission with a little meow and doesn't proceed until I've acknowledged her.

Thank you, Mosi.

Open Range

2009-01-15T18:53:00.000-05:00

It occurred to me in the middle of the night that what I've been learning, practicing and doing regularly while in the equine workshops and otherwise, has been a mindfulness practice - basically being present with all that is, not judging, not trying to change it, just being with whatever emotions and sensations that arise and allowing them to just be. This was not new to me and I've worked with this on-and-off for years, but never to this extent. What was new to me was the revelation that this practice contradicted (for me) a pure pursuit of happiness, AND more importantly that I would much rather engage the world with a mindfulness practice, than with a search for joy.

In contrast to a life in pursuit of happiness, mindfulness provides a fuller, more vibrant, real and authentic way of being in the world, whereas the practice of searching for happiness tends to downgrade, ignore, repress or avoid the unpleasant. Based on my experiences within the workshops here, the soul craves authenticity and fullness of expression. And, whenever experiences are not felt and dealt with, they remain trapped within the body. This can cause health issues and, it seems, repeated similar situations until the issue and attached emotions are acknowledged and allowed to be expressed.

Being present with your pain, also allows joy to be more intense. And on the flip-side, ignoring the unpleasant can make the happy moments more flat.

It's as if when you decide to shed your layers of protection and are present with the full range of what is, your vulnerability becomes both a strength and weakness, which is very human and is all our soul asks of us.

Being mindful does not mean that one needs to stay obssessed with their pain or their joy, as when you're being mindful, you'll notice how quickly emotions and body sensations are constantly changing. Being mindful of your body's sensations and emotions (as opposed to the mind chatter) is just a more true barometer of what is going on for you.

I've thought about how the landscape here parallels this way of being in the world. The openess, big skies, vistas for 90 miles in all directions - some beautiful, breathtaking, some dangerous, and some flat - just like life and just like the views from the Buffalo Woman Ranch.

Art

2008-12-26T16:01:00.000-05:00

A roaring snow dragon has descended upon Dove Creek. The typical high winds found on this desert plain blow the white crystals in horizontally recreating the landscape into a Saharan snow desert. The roads, paths, ditches, mounds and holes are no longer visible and have been replaced by glistening waves and blinding dunes carved by the ever-changing winds. Roads are barely distinguishable from the ditches and farmlands creating an expansive snow ocean. A drive in these conditions looks like you've just put your ship into 'warp speed' with the flakes resembling galaxies coming at your windshield. Already, our car has been pulled into one of those white glittery tidal waves on the side of the road and has had to be towed out.

When walking in it, care is taken with every step, as one can be sucked down into a hole disguised by a snow mound. More than once, all of us have had to crawl out on our knees from one of those sink holes. It borders on ridiculous, but as it is still novel to me, it cracks me up. As one local said, winters here can be intense. I feel like that word is over-used, but can't figure out a better way of expressing it, except with a crazy laugh.

Under these conditions, I've not been able to take long desert walks. Even short walks can be exhausting due to the careful placement of each step and at times falling in up to your thighs. However, I'm fascinated by the animal tracks made more visible by the snow. Although deer and elk have always been in plain sight, most other animals remained hidden. The snow now reveals abundant rabbit and coyote tracks leading to dens once buried from view.

I am again struck by the hardiness of the folks living in this environment. During the winter, locals are always prepared for being stranded and keep snow boots, a sleeping bag and flash light in their cars. Here, Mother Nature takes no prisoners. Some feel the extreme weather helps to evolve one's character. The hot summers and cold winters burn or freeze off layers of protection that no longer serve your soul and the high winds blow the baggage away.

After living here for 5 months, I'm certain I was a swamp thing in a former life. I'm one of those folks who loves riding their bike in 98 degrees and 80% humidity. To me, that's not work. As I told this to a local, she said that what I had needed was to be in an environment that pushed my edges in order to progress, as significant change doesn't occur when you're comfortable.

If this environment teaches me any thing about life, it's to surrender. Surrender and you will be molded into something beautiful, strong, ever-changing and somewhat unpredictable - truly a piece of art.

Winter on steroids

2008-12-26T15:55:00.000-05:00

Our car is eaten by a 10-foot wind-blown snow wave.

A view from the livingroom window.

As the snow flies

2008-12-12T22:20:00.000-05:00

Though we've already had a few snow showers, the storm this week has become the 'snow that won't melt until the Spring', or so we've been told. Strange concept for a girl from the South.

Waking up this morning, outside it looked like the froth from the top of a cafe latte had poured down from the heavens and landed on every willing and unwilling surface.

Already the quietest place on Earth, the snow has added a dimension of deafening sound that demands one become at ease with their thoughts.

Return to Innocence

2008-11-30T00:00:00.000-05:00

On the Tuesday night before Thanksgiving, between the towns of Helper and Price in Utah, our car hit and killed a Mule Deer. His big, beautiful body flashed for an instant in our headlights before he landed on our hood, flew off into the opposite lane, and was hit by another car. Three young fellas from the town of Helper immediately pulled over to make sure we were O.K. (and we were). They were dressed in matching suits and their nametags identified them as interns with the Church of Latter Day Saints.

The car had sustained significant damage to the hood, which looked like a napkin that had been balled up, and then somewhat reflattened over the engine AND the airbag had deployed. The highway patrol officer said that it was the third accident that evening involving a Deer. This stretch of road was particularly dangerous because there were fields of hay and corn on the one side and a stream on the other. Ranchers had begun erecting tall fences along the road to keep the Deer from crossing, but they had just moved further down the road where the fences hadn’t yet been built.

Because of the upcoming holiday and our remote location, we were told it would be at least three days before the car could be fixed. So, that evening we had our car towed to the nearest town of Price, paid for a hotel, and the next morning rented a U-Haul & trailer to take our mangled car back to the ranch.

Immediately after the accident, I went into a bit of a shock. There was a smoky smell that at first I couldn’t identify, but then realized it was the airbag. Then there was a liquid that was pouring out from under the hood, which later turned out to be the radiator fluid. There were also the dogs in the back seat. But mostly my mind replayed the split second that the four-point Buck leaped in front of the car right before we hit him.

Some Native American traditions would say that the Buck sacrificed his life in order to give us Deer Medicine. In honor of this majestic beast, I’ve been exploring the teachings of Deer Medicine and how they have presented themselves in my life.

When a Deer shows up in your life, so they say, the lesson he has for you is gentleness, innocence and a return to wilderness. These lessons have also come to me from some of my most profound teachers – not so much as a direct teaching, but by their living example.

One of these teachers was Swami Mahadevananda of the Sivananda Ashram in South India where I did my Yoga Teacher Training. As wide as he was tall, Swami Mahadevananda had lived at the Ashram for more than 30 years and his booming presence was matched only by his voice. I loved listening to his daily talks as he appeared to me to have infinite wisdom and yet a lightness of heart.

I remember once coming across him along a quiet path on the grounds of the Ashram. Alone, he was bent down towards the ground. I approached to see what he was doing and found him captivated by the newest arrival of stray young kittens that had adopted the Ashram. Fascinated by the contrast of size, age, and experience, I watched him pet the kitties for a while. At one point he looked up to acknowledge me and with a smile on his face just said ‘kitties’ and went back to petting them. I left him there and was struck by the fact that a person so worldly wise could also be so gentle and innocent in manner.

I’ve seen this same kind of gentle, child-like innocence in HH the Dalai Lama. I once had the good fortune to attend one of his lectures. He gave his talk in his native tongue, which was translated into English at appropriate intervals. The subject matter involved the finer differences of the various Buddhist traditions, which frankly was over my head. So instead of listening to the content, I watched and absorbed his mannerisms and tone. I noticed how quickly and with ease he could flow from a very strong and direct tone to a light-hearted, joking manner. With regularity, he would break into laughter for what seemed like a few minutes at what he had just said. Since it had not yet been translated, we couldn’t understand the cause for his laughter; however, it wasn’t long before we were all laughing along with his infectious joy. As with the Swami, I was once again struck by the ability to be both profoundly wise and at times exhibit a child-like innocence.

The workshops at the Buffalo Woman Ranch emphasize authenticity and one of the main impediments towards being authentic is a loss of innocence. Webster defines authenticity as genuine, real, not false or copied. A loss of innocence can come at any stage of one’s life and can take many forms such as betrayal, neglect, abuse or violence. However, no matter when or how our innocence was lost, it can always be reclaimed. One way to do that is to learn to be present, in your body, with the full range of what shows up. By being present, we will have to acknowledge any emotional wounds that exist in our bodies when the come up and be with them, without trying to make them go away, ignore them, feed them with food or movies or alcohol or whatever. If you stay present, over time these wounds will have less of an impact on you, which will make it easier for you to be authentic.

In addition to gentleness and innocence, Deer Medicine also teaches a return to wilderness. I’ve recently read a little from Bill Plotkin’s work, which is also about being authentic, and he believes one of the best ways to do this is through being in nature. I have to concur. The simple rhythms and cycles found in nature mirror our own cycles, which we’ve suppressed through our modern lifestyles. By being in nature, we can again explore our rhythms and return to balance.

So, if a deer shows up in your life, this is the time to express gentleness to yourself and others, reclaim your innocence through being present, and spend some time in nature. The reward will be a reconnection with your authentic self … you might even hear a soft voice saying ‘it’s so nice to be with you again.’

The Secret Life of Nubians

2008-11-10T23:20:00.000-05:00

The ranch has just acquired 3 Nubian goats – a mama and her 2 kids. They are quite fascinating creatures and I’ve decided that all I ever needed to know about living the good life can be learned from Nubians.

Chew your food many times before swallowing.

Get plenty of Vitamin D.

Think outside the box.

Be comfortable with giving and receiving love.

Look people directly in the eye.

Eat plenty of fiber, daily.

Laughing is good medicine.

Yawning releases tension.

Head massages feel great.

And ear massages do, too.

And when there's no one around to give you a massage, self-massage is equally rewarding.

Connecting the dots

2008-11-06T19:04:00.000-05:00

There are times when language does not do justice to the depth and breadth of intense emotion. The mere act of searching for descriptors and qualifiers tends to reduce the expansiveness of the moment to a finite, boxed-in, flat, one-dimensional instance. Since I've been exploring my reaction to the election, I'll do my best to put my feelings into words, aware of my limitations.

That said, my story is not entirely unique. I have spent my whole life living in the racially-charged South. Raised in a somewhat progressive neighborhood and from a very liberal and open-minded family, you could say that I was not prepared for the anger that racism evoked in both African Americans and Whites.

Growing up in downtown Greensboro, I was a bicycle ride away from the famous Woolworth's which held the first sit-ins in the nation and served the best soul-food in town. In the first grade, I was bussed to a predominantly African American school - a positive experience which further reinforced my family's belief system that all people are created equal.

A few years later, my mother rode her bike in the Communist Worker's Party parade in downtown Greensboro to protest the injustices promoted by the Klan. The KKK showed up with rifles and shot and killed 5 of the protesters. Though the shootings were caught on video tape by the media, no jury would convict a gunman in repeated appeals. One of the folks shot and killed was a classmate of mine's stepfather.

By fourth grade, my parents moved me to an Open School which offered a completely different teaching style to encourage independence amongst the students. It was a predominantly white school and it was also the first time I experienced a class system based on economics, of which I found myself towards the bottom.

In high school I dated an African American fella. We worked together at a grocery store and fell in love. For the first time I experienced prejudism from my own race. The ugly looks and derogatory comments made towards me felt scary and caused me to solidify my compassion for blacks in the South and understand on a visceral level the injustice and fear of prejudism.

My first year of college was spent in central Africa where I was the only White in the school, yet I was treated like an equal. However, after I returned to the U.S., I experienced two incidences of racism from an African American - one from a fellow student at UNC-CH and another from a co-worker while working on a political campaign directly after college. In both cases, the racist anger that was unleashed on me was so irrational, it was as if they were letting loose generations of anger rooted in inequality and injustice for what I represented - the white race.

I have heard many justifications for racism - some from the educated and others not so. Each time I encountered a comment, I would redirect the conversation or ignore it, meanwhile my insides turned upside-down. I knew racism was irrational, but it was also ingrained like a deep groove in the psyche, wrapped in pain and injustice on both sides.

Having grown up without a church home, the words of Martin Luther King and his description of a Promised Land for all peoples made more sense to me than anything I'd read in the bible. His vision of a country where children of all races could sit down together at the table of brotherhood came as close to a description of Heaven on Earth for me.

So on this past election day when I found myself huddled together over homemade tamales and barbecue with Native Americans, African Americans, Latinos and Whites at the Obama HQ in Cortez, Colorado, I was overcome with emotion when Obama was elected the 44th President of the United States. Sitting next to a friend, we both turned to give eachother a hug and all I could think to say was that a very old part of me had been waiting to exhale for a long, long time....

Feng Shui

2008-10-09T23:14:00.000-04:00

The Chinese knew thousands of years ago what we still know today – everything is energy and the energy that radiates from your external environment affects your being on all levels – physical, mental, emotional, energetic and spiritual. Coined Feng Shui, the science involved creating harmonious spaces that energetically provided for optimal health.

The Native Americans among many others say the opposite is also true – and thus the importance of maintaining one’s health for internal and external harmony. This belief is also supported by the well-worn phrases found on t-shirts and bumper stickers that ‘we are all connected’ and ‘everything affects everything.’

More than ever, this belief system resonates with me.

The house that we are living in, coined the Eagle’s Nest, is quite beautiful. It’s an open space with big windows, warm colors on the walls and no internal doors (curtains are used in lieu of doors). It’s a straw bale construction, meaning the walls are insulated with straw bale and covered with stucco. The insulation grading of standard homes is R19. These walls, which are 14 inches thick, have an approximate rating of twice the standard rating. When the windows are closed, the silence inside is so thick, I feel as if I have cotton in my ears.

The floors are made of poured concrete, 3 feet deep, providing radiant heat within. When the heat is on, I love feeling the soles of my feet against the floor’s deep warmth.

This house is obviously built to last until the end of time and will at the very least withstand the cold high desert winters.

Recently while on a 4-day lemon juice fast, I noticed a different sensation about the Eagle’s Nest that I hadn’t felt before. Being on a fast puts me into a completely different frame of mind, as you can imagine. First of all, I am at times extremely fatigued, and as a result conserve energy – focusing only on thoughts and actions that are important to me.

In addition, I become particularly sensitive to my surroundings – noticing things that I’m not aware of otherwise. I remember well the effects of my last fast while I was staying at an Ashram. On the fourth night I attended Satsang where everyone was chanting and playing various percussion instruments. To me, the music seemed to be played in slow motion as I sensed that I could hear each note individually – almost like separate words being spoken instead of the full collective of sound that I normally hear. It was a bit too intense for my senses and I had to leave. The next morning I broke my fast. I noticed that my ears felt like long tubes and with each bite I took, I felt those long tubes closing up until my hearing returned to the less than average hearing I currently have.

During my most recent fast here, I began to notice the weight of the walls and floors of the Eagle’s Nest. Their energy felt heavy and isolating and so I decided to spend some time outside. Taking a walk in the desert, I was drawn to the radiant warmth and strength of the rock faces. Since my body had grown lighter and colder due to the fast, the rocks with their heat and solid nature created needed balance. Lying down across them in various yoga positions, I had thoughts of how much these rocks had seen and been transformed by their thousands of years in this place. A loud rhythmic sound occurred directly over me. It was a raven flying only 4 feet overhead. Did their wings always make this much noise when flying?

I began to really understand the power of one’s environment on their body/mind/spirit. Intellectually I knew this to be true, but hadn’t felt it in my bones. Mostly I became sensitive to the difference between masculine and feminine energies in the environment - and the need to keep them balanced. When I’m feeling overly light and airy or fluid (yin or feminine), my body craved the solid warmth of the rocks (yang or masculine). And when I’m feeling an overabundance of masculine energy – perhaps thru extended physical exertion - I crave water (feminine), by being near a river or taking a bath, to return to balance.

When creating a life of harmony, health and wholeness, it often seems like there’s a lot to consider – but that’s only because we’re thinking too much about it instead of listening to how we feel. Our bodies are the ‘mouthpieces of the soul’ and will let you know what is right and healthy for you, moment-to-moment, if you will listen. That knowledge and wisdom is always available to you. You may think you are doing it for yourself, but you will also do it for everything around you. The trees and birds, air and rocks, your husband and your knees will all benefit.

On being 'grounded' or a lack thereof

2008-09-30T17:01:00.000-04:00

Rite of Passage
I guess I’ve been properly initiated into equestrianism after being chucked off the back of a perfectly good riding horse, over the top of her head, and onto the ground. Although skilled equestrians would say 'come tell me your horse story after falling off a half-dozen times' I find the event to be a rite-of-passage or sorts, so I’m rather proud of it. Finally - the dreaded fall has happened! One of the spectators closeby said I looked like I was 'diving off the high dive' before I tumbled to the ground. Another said that I had learned a valuable lesson to be present and in my body while on the horse – especially valuable as nothing was broken.

To my own recollection, midway through the flight I felt my lowerback over-arch and when I landed on the ground I curled up in child's pose, hoping Angelbella (she has such an unassuming name, doesn't she?) wouldn't then walk on me. As I lay in child’s pose, I felt my lower back muscles relaxing a bit and then I knew I was OK.

Today I’m still getting around rather slowly with a stiff back, but am glad to finally have gotten the dreaded horse fall out of the way – even if it’s the first of many. Good thing I’ve got yoga to gently stretch my tense back muscles!

Obama vs. the Bubba effect
Originally, I was going to start this blog entry with something about how removed I felt from the news – whether that began 6 years ago when we got rid of our television or more recently our life in the high desert. However, having watched the presidential debate last week at someone’s house, I woke up early the next morning with worries about how my candidate (Obama) had performed and how he was perceived by folks ‘on the fence’. (how can any one be on the fence at this point?) Anyways, I quickly got caught up in how serious Obama looked. Sure, he had been getting guff from his supporters who said he needed to be more 'tough' against the opposition. But instead of thinking about the content of the debate, I became afraid that Obama looked too much like the ‘angry black man’ that some white Americans are afraid of. Or maybe he was too smart. Or that he didn’t look enough like the average American voter.

I seem to remember that after the Bush debates (I forget which set), folks said they thought Bush had done better because he 'seemed nicer'. Political pundits analyzed that voters tend to select someone that ‘looks more like them or a neighbor or relative - or Bubba - someone that they knew back in school and liked'. Not that he's educated or qualified, but that he’s 'the kind of person that they'd like to get a drink with at a bar'.

Huh?

At this point I might be irritating folks who are not voting for Obama, and for this I apologize. I actually think McCain is an alright guy, but not for President and not against Obama.

Perhaps I should stay away from television altogether, as I can see how riled up I get, and really with no purpose. It’s just wasted energy, and let’s face it, there’s not an infinite supply of renewal energy in my body, so I’ll try to stuff it back in the bottle. I hope to be more centered and grounded in my next blog entry since it’s not been healthy for my lower back!

Or maybe I'll catch the VP debate this week....

cheers!

Authenticity

2008-09-14T10:34:00.000-04:00

When I was in the tenth grade, I remember my algebra teacher snapping his fingers and clapping his hands while saying to me ‘Jessica, the action is up here’ and pointing to the chalk board where he was busy creating calculations for us to memorize. Meanwhile, I was looking out the window mesmerized by the flying snow that had just begun. I am still overcome with that same amazement here when I watch the sunsets, the oncoming storms, the mountains and rolling desert lands. When in the company of all this simple and pure beauty, one hardly needs to meditate.

I find that it becomes a lot easier to find your truth when being in nature. I like the phrase that I heard somewhere – ‘the only guru is God’, and for me God is found in it’s most clear form in nature.

A lot of people who come to the ranch have lost contact with their center and so they come here to do the work to again become connected with their truth - who they are. We refer to this way of living as authentic and congruent. A lot of the symptoms of incongruence that people come here to deal with are created by stuffing one's truth in order to create 'harmony', albeit superficial, within community. Whether it’s eating disorders, alcohol abuse, lack of boundaries, stress, busyness, health issues – these are all linked with incongruence or a stuffing of one’s truth.

While here, folks again connect with what is right for them. It’s the work with the horses, the community and the land here that support their transformation. The next step comes when going back into their previous lives with family, friends, neighbors and coworkers and remaining embodied and empowered in their truth, instead of dropping back into their false-self. When in community and dealing with others who are disconnected – folks who are needy on both sides of the scale either with big egos or in their small self – it can be difficult to maintain one’s center. Creating harmony and community means understanding where folks are coming from and to better understand their perspective, sometimes we take on their stuff and over time think it is ours. Again, losing our center.

Though I never met the woman who co-founded the Buffalo Woman Ranch, Charlie McGuire, I imagine that she was good at holding onto her center in the midst of conflict and creating community. This takes a special kind of strength. From some of the stories I have heard, it also created some strife as she did not buy into or try and calm others’ neediness or egos. This at times created conflict as you can imagine, but it was her theory that if they got mad about her interaction with them, that was their problem. People either really appreciated her honesty and authenticity, or they were offended and felt bruised. She was able to create a large community by being congruent and inspired others to become empowered, as well. Finding your center here (or wherever you go to get centered) and then making it stick in community and especially during conflict with others is definitely where the rubber meets the road. The best advice we have to do this is to stay present, in your body, listen to your body's messages (these are pure signals), and be true to who you are and what you stand for. When you are being present and true to yourself, you are always in good company.

In the News

2008-08-26T15:02:00.000-04:00

An article on the Buffalo Woman Ranch made it into the Living Section of the Cortez paper and the front page of the Moab paper. :-) Wind Eagle and I are briefly mentioned. Click here to read the article.

Grit

2008-08-20T08:17:00.000-04:00

Two percent of Americans live in towns of less than 1,000 and I definitely feel like that two percent. Dove Creek has a population of 750, however, the local sheriff said this year hasn't been good for the living - a record 50 people died during the last 12 months. A neighbor told me she thought there were more teeth than people living in town. All I want to know is, where are those 700 people?

The town consists of a post office, gas station/convenient mart and 2 liquor stores within one block - both of which were open last Saturday night when we drove past. When you walk into a store or meet someone new here, people give you a long look. If I was anywhere else, I'd think I had spinach on my face. I usually look right back at them just as long with a inquisitive look as if to ask - I don't get what you are seeing? Are you studying my face to make sure that you've never seen me before? Making sure I'm not a cousin? I can't figure it out but it's definitely a common occurrence.

Living in the high desert on this ranch takes grit. Everything here can be at the extremes and raw. There's definitely nothing superficial about this kind of lifestyle. The native desert plants that grow like weeds pretty much exemplify the characteristics of the people. Take for instance the thistle - it is vibrant in color and interesting to look at, hard to eradicate, prickly on the outside, yet soft and fluffy once the flower opens up. That pretty much sums up the high desert people.

The ranch itself lends easily to authentic living, which it promotes. You truly can be whoever you are. Everyone here is highly independent and has no agenda, outside of the health and wellbeing of the land, animals and the community. There's no manipulation, no need to outshine another to move up the ladder or acquire any excess material needs. We carry our wait, are respectful of each other, the land, and those who came before us to protect the land as it exists today. The only being around here who is needy is Roxy - but that's just because she is still a 'city dog' so I've been told. The folks that come here for healing know they are supported by us and the land, yet realize their journey is uniquely their own.

So come as you are.

After being here a few weeks, Armida decided that she was going to shave her head, which she'd always wanted to do but hadn't found the guts to do it. Here's a picture of her when she arrived and then one month later. You won't find this before/after photo on the Buffalo Woman Ranch site as it's not good marketing material. And don't worry - the rest of us are keeping our locks because we'd look downright strange without hair. However, Armida carries it off well - she's got the Demi Moore look going. Most of the personal changes that occur while on this land are more subtle - more like letting your hair down, than getting rid of it.

Anyways, it feels healthy. Balanced. Solid. Real.

Though at times I've heard that it sometimes feels lonely on the ranch, that hasn't been my experience. However, loneliness may be a by-product of the deeper, introspective work.

Faith

2008-08-19T23:02:00.000-04:00

During the last few days, Robbie has been on a week-long rafting trip thru the Grand Canyon to release Charlie’s remains into the Colorado River. It’s the first time she’s taken a trip off the ranch in a very long time, and anyone who knows Robbie and sees the size of this ranch always says – I don’t know how she does it. I’ll second that. It will be good for her to get away.

So it’s just been us chickens on the ranch – Armida, Wind Eagle and myself. And of course 17 smaller chickens, 9 horses, 4 cats, 3 kittens, 6 dogs, and all the untamed beasts living right outside the perimeter of the ranch.

Each morning we get up and do yoga on the field overlooking the mountains in front of us. We start early while it’s cool, yet at 7200 ft. the intense sun still pierces through our clothing and warms our bones. We often see deer on the field across from us munching on beans and a farmer or two driving by in his 4x4 probably thinking – what are those crazy buffalo women doing with their bodies in that position on that perfectly good-looking plowing field? Nonetheless, they wave at us and we wave back.

In the afternoons, I take a 1-2 hour walk by myself back behind the property into the desert brush. Each time I follow different paths created by animals, following their footprints and other bodily fluids that they’ve left behind. I never know exactly where I’m going to be led, but let my instincts, the animal tracks and the sun guide me. There’s a ridge that I hike to that is lined with rocks on the backside. This area always feels occupied, so before I go further I state my intention silently, ask permission to cross, and wait until it feels OK to continue. I’m sure it’s fine, but the big cats that we’ve heard usually sleep under rock faces, so it feels appropriate to recognize and respect this area as their home. To avoid any encounters, I always take this walk during the heat of the day while any decent, self-respecting wild life is napping.

Last weekend a young woman stayed on the ranch to do a workstudy and she, Armida and I went on a hike in this same area to collect sage and make smudge sticks. There is so much sage around here – a walk thru the brush rubs sage against your clothing and the sweet smell stays with you all day.

The way we collected sage is the same way to collect herbs/flowers for creating flower essences, as taught by Robbie. First we selected a grandmother plant, which was determined by intuition. When engaging in anything sacred, we call upon the blessings and the ancestors of the Four Directions. With our offering in hand (tobacco) we turned first to the East - the home of the Eagle, the place of illumination, strength of will and new beginnings. Male Energy.

Next we turned to the South – the home of the Coyote and Mouse and the place of innocence, trust, humility. Child energy.

To the West - the home of the Bear and the place of introspection and nurturance. Female energy.

To the North – the home of the Buffalo and the place of sacred wisdom, knowledge and gratitude. Elder energy.

To Father Sky and Mother Earth.

We then offered tobacco to the Grandmother plant, asking for her blessings that the plants that we pick provide the proper medicine to benefit those in need. We then went about selecting sprigs of sage from all of the other plants in the area, except the Grandmother plant.

During our walk back to the ranch, we followed various animal trails, some of them leading to dead-ends into heavy brush, requiring us to turn around and backtrack. However, the more we paid attention to our intuition and the signs of nature around us, the more we were guided. A group of loud grasshoppers seemed to jump out at us and yell, keeping us from taking one turn. The flight of two birds from our path to a slightly different trajectory again changed our direction – always to our advantage. Trusting that nature will support you if you listen and treat it respectfully reminds me of a quote here on the fridge:

Faith is believing one of two things, that there will be something solid for you to stand on or that you will be taught to fly.

Everyone who lives or stays here has been a shining example of this Faith.

Terrain, Cortez & Cactuses (again)

2008-08-11T18:44:00.000-04:00

Have you ever gone somewhere so different from your habitat that you periodically find yourself asking – is this really me in this body? How did I get here? … as if your head finally caught up with your body in realizing ‘we’re not in Kansas anymore, Toto.’ Anyways, that happens to me on occasion here. And whatever answers I deliver to the questions, they don’t seem to stick, as I find myself again asking the same questions, not in a negative way, but in a more inquisitive way, a week later. Strange.

Anyways, I was listening to Cat Stevens’ song “Miles From Nowhere” which felt so appropriate to where we are living. Oddly enough, this place doesn’t feel isolating – a concern I had before coming here. I’m not sure why that is, but perhaps it is because the environment is so rich and abundant with it’s ever-changing weather, landscapes, and wildlife. We are at 7,200 feet. From the ranch, we can see hundreds of miles in all directions. To the West there is a mountain range probably 60 miles away that stops our view, but only in that isolated area. To the North there is another mountain range that shoots out of the earth, probably 90 miles away. Other than that – it’s as far as the eye can see with farmlands and rolling scrub oak, sagebrush and other desert grasses. With this wide-open ‘Big Sky’ it means that you can see a storm coming 3 hours before it gets here. The lightening from a storm 100 miles away lights up the horizon from the Heavens to the ground. It also means that the sunrises and sunsets are magnificent, as they are unobstructed and vibrant. And the night sky is so very alive. I wish I knew more about astronomy, but nonetheless I can easily see the milky way – a luminescent cloud-like area across the sky.

Another benefit of wide-open skies are rainbows - I have seen more rainbows here in 3 weeks than I have seen in my entire life. The day I got here we saw a double rainbow in the East – one rainbow on top of the other – can you imagine?! I’ve seen a full rainbow – one end of which was in Dolores, right where we were going that day. Last night at 10 pm Robbie saw a rainbow at night! She said it was luminescent and one end of it was hidden by night clouds. This is definitely the land of open skies and rainbows.

It’s also the land of sunflowers. Many of the farms along the dirt roads are sunflower farms – acres and acres of seas of sunflowers. When we first got here, their little heads hadn’t yet opened, but then a couple of weeks ago, they began to open up. Their beautiful faces are all facing East, towards the rising Sun. They look like little eager students lined up and patiently awaiting the wisdom and love from their Sun God. This week their heads have started to get so big and full that they look as if they’re bowing their heads in respect and humility to their beloved Sun. Anyways, it’s a beautiful sight and I never tire of seeing them.

I’ve taken a couple of trips into Cortez, the nearest big city of 5,000 - it’s about a 40-minute ride. It has a cute little downtown area and an interesting farmer’s market and a few coffee shops. To find out about a town, I always like to check the public bulletin boards to see what kind of events are happening and read their local paper. The Four Corners Free Press is a local monthly paper and I’ve discovered that you can learn a lot about the town from the Crime section of their paper – and basically I feel pretty safe in Cortez! Here are two entries in their Crime Waves section:

“July 5 – Two rowdies were cuffed after being taken to the ground and one was ultimately arrested during the fireworks display in Centennial Park, in what was a continuation of a family disturbance at a woman’s house earlier in the day. That suspect accused the arresting officer of trying to be the toughest cop in Cortez by writing as many tickets as he had freckles. He appeared intoxicated and was also uncivil with the jail staff.”

One more so that you get the gist:

“July 15 – A business woman who lives on CR J reported that $1,400 in cash was stolen from a tin can in her home office in February while she was attending a horse show in February and didn’t report it because she didn’t want authorities to view her as ‘really dumb’ for leaving the money so accessible, but then a more recent incident in May during which $150 in change was taken prompted her to report the incidents. She named as a suspect a man who had installed new windows in her house. She said his girlfriend had recently gotten a hysterectomy and a new tattoo, and she wondered where she’d gotten the money for the new decoration. The window-installer was to be contacted.”

In another unrelated article dealing with crimes of an animal nature, a 140 lb. mountain lion had entered someone’s house in the middle of the night thru an open door and took their 70 lb. golden retriever out with him! The couple woke up to see the cat’s tail leaving their bedroom and found their dog dead outside the door ☹ I guess that explains why our dogs tend to stay closer to us than they did in Raleigh. Between the mountain lion that visited us the first 2 nights we were here and the regular coyote calls at night, I’m sure our dogs know they are shrimp bait outside the ranch.

That doesn’t keep them from walking the perimeter of the property, which contains a lot of cactuses and means they regularly come home with cactuses and spurs in and around their feet and mouths. The spurs usually become attached around their lips after they step on a small cactus, which then easily disconnects from the cactus group and sticks to their bodies. Trying to pull the cactus from their feet or underbellies, they spread the needles around their mouths.

Yesterday, Roxy came home with a dozen needles around her mouth, nose and eyes. We did what we could to get them out, but there are probably a half dozen lodged in the top, inside bridge of her mouth that she would not let us get. Today they stayed gone for an hour or so and when they came home, they didn’t appear to be limping so I just let them in. I left and when I came back an hour later, Wylie first peeked towards the door to see it was me and then went back to the bedroom without greeting me, which I thought was strange. A minute later he came running up to me with a cactus in his mouth and dropped it in my hand, as if to say, “Get this thing out of here!” It must have been attached to Roxy’s underbelly when she came in earlier, as I found needles there on her body. What a smart lil’ guy that Wylie is – mama didn’t raise no fool!

The ranch is a little less hectic since the retreat is over. However, there seems to be a steady supply of guests – a young lady arrived for a couple of days to do a workstudy and tonite a former Yoga teacher of Robbie’s is coming with her mate for an overnight stay. The weather is beautiful – 60 at nite and 85 during the day with regular showers. For now, this is the perfect recipe for lazy summer days and cool nights.

Cheers,

jess

A Life in a Day at the Buffalo Woman Ranch

2008-08-02T22:52:00.000-04:00

It’s Day 1 of the first level of the Equine Facilitated Integrative Healing Training. The two ladies that came for the training are both holistic nurses and have fascinating backgrounds and experiences. I love soaking up their knowledge of energy medicine and other means of healing.

This morning started out at sunrise with yoga outside by the horses. This seemed to be an innocent beginning, until the dogs showed up – they have 4 (Shambo, Cuzco, Aruk, Utah). While we were on our backs, they decided they needed to lick our faces and wrestle with each other by our heads. Still, that was ok. Pappy, the Belgian horse, stood by and held the space for us. Then our 2 dogs arrived, which started more wrestling, on our mats, but still that was ok. It wasn’t really until Roxy decided to chase a chicken, which regularly gets out of the pen, did it get a little crazy. The next thing I see while on my back is a big black chicken attempting and succeeding to take flight right towards me at eye level. I turn my head in the other direction thinking a blow to the back of the head by a flying chicken is something I can handle, but luckily she made it over me. Whew!

After breakfast, we had an opening ceremony. The Four Directions of the Native American tradition were called upon (the Four Directions are very important in this work). Robbie cleansed each of us with a singing bowl and then we ‘checked in’ as each person talked about how they were doing and why they were here. Some emotions were raw as one of the ladies who came had been close to Charlie Maguire who was no longer with us. Robbie read us a few pieces about horse medicine and reminded us that ‘we are the ones that we’ve been waiting for’ – that’s always a good lesson.

Next we did a round pen session with one of the participants. The round pen sessions are the ‘meat’ of this work. Each person chooses a horse in which they ‘resonate’ with to do this work. There are 9 in the herd – all very different. Horses are used for this work because they are prey animals and as such are extremely sensitive to their surroundings. They can tell the emotions of each person around them and will mirror the person that they work with, showing that person underlying emotions that are stuck and need to be processed.

Each round pen session that I have witnessed has been completely different – even with the same horse. And almost all of the sessions are emotional. It is completely unpredictable what will happen when a person and the horse they’ve chosen get into a round pen together.

Before entering the round pen with the horse, the person receives a body scan in which the facilitator walks them thru each part of their body to find out what is coming up for them in their bodies at that moment. When sensations arise, that person is asked to sit with that sensation and see if any message comes up for them in that area of the body. This is the beginning of teaching participants how to be ‘in their body’ – an important part in learning to heal. So many folks who’ve had traumatic events (and haven’t we all) have learned to cope with those events by ignoring them and not processing them, however, the memories have remained in their bodies. When we learn to go back into our bodies and listen, old memories can and do surface. But until those memories have been witnessed, they will stay in the body. Later, this can and often does cause disease.

The first round pen was very emotional for the person within the pen. The session can last as long as they want, but usually lasts 10-30 minutes. Afterwards they come out of the pen and tell their story of what transpired. A therapist uses the Hakomie (sp?) method of questioning to bring them into their bodies and ask them how each part felt for them. Then, the rest of us not in the round pen give our feedback on what we saw.

This is the basis of the work. It is extremely powerful and you do not have to be a horse person (as is the case with me) in order to see the benefits.

It can be quite heavy but also very transformative.

Today’s first round-pen session ended with our dogs asking…

Is living in the wild West - Heaven or Hell?

Our dogs have seemingly enjoyed the freedom here, as does everyone. But with it comes a price. Being gone for hours at a time, they’ve returned home limping with cactus spurs in their feet and around their mouths (where they’ve tried to pull the cactus off their bodies). They’ve also been learning about boundaries, as all the ranch dogs have quite strong boundaries. Even the 3 kittens, which Roxy has tried to chase and intimidate, embody their space and have had to smack Roxy a few times, while in the very next moment rub up against her. This completely confuses Roxy, but I think it’s a powerful way to be - especially when you weigh a half pound.

Today’s lesson on freedom and boundaries occurred towards the end of the round pen session when Roxy and Wylie entered the round pen area. From afar, it looked like Wylie had a bone in his mouth. I went running up to him because he had stopped and had a strange stance. When I got right on him, I realized he was covered with huge 2-3 inch quills all around his mouth and nose, and one even went thru his lower and upper eyelid. It looked horrific, almost surreal, like his mouth had been sown shut with needles by a voodoo frontier medicine man from the west. I was horrified and tried to pull one out but it wouldn’t come and only pulled on his lip. He was bleeding and seemed in shock - or maybe that was me. But anyways, Roxy ran over to the other folks, who immediately went into action. They grabbed pliers and scissors and being nurses, also had painkillers, which they gave to the dogs. I needed a painkiller myself as I couldn’t bear to watch as the dogs were held down and blood poured from every hole where a quill was extracted.

They had wrestled with a porcupine, leaving atleast 25 quills in Wylie’s face, tongue and mouth and Roxy having less, but equal pain. It’s 8 hours later and they still have pitiful looks on their faces as they mope around. I hope they only have to learn this lesson once.

Anyways, it was only lunchtime and I was drained from the drama and took a short nap. At 3 pm, the Cortez newspaper came by to do a story on the ranch and sat in on our second round pen session. You could tell when she first got here that she didn’t know what to make of us wild Horsewomen. She ended up staying much longer than she said she could, so I think she was fascinated. I’m curious how she’ll report the round pen session.

There is a clock on the wall that is a Day clock – tells you what day it is, rather than what time. It’s a good thing, because you’d never know otherwise. As far as the time, the sun is either coming up, right over head, or going down. That’s all we need to know. The sun is going down so I'll check out now. Have a great weekend!

Our voyage here

2008-07-27T23:00:00.000-04:00

So much to tell since we started our voyage a week ago.

We left Raleigh with everything we’d need for 3 months in our Saturn - which included 2 computers, clothes for weather of all extremes, herbs, supplements, 2 dogs and a chicken. Loretta Hen was a last-minute addition as she was not well liked by one of the chickens on MacNair’s County Acres, where our other chickens are sojourning over the next 3 months. Her addition to the trip made things a bit more interesting as Roxy stayed overly interested in Loretta throughout the trip, especially when she laid an egg (she laid 2 during the 3 day trip). If you know anything about chickens, you know they are extremely proud of this accomplish and cluck for a good 10 minutes after laying the egg. During our stops at rest areas, everyone would get out and stretch their legs – even Loretta Hen who’d been cooped up in a cat-carrying case. She’d follow me around on the green grass to one travelers surprise in Arkansas who Clark heard say: “I thought I was seeing things – but that is a damn chicken on the grass!”

The last evening of the trip we chased a sunset as we went West that was one of the most amazing I’d ever seen. The orange and vibrant pink/purple against the backdrop of a turquoise blue had us oooing and ahhing for an hour. Before coming out, a friend had told us that the most marvelous sunsets he’d ever seen were out West. I was reminded of their beauty when I lived and worked one summer in Yellowstone National Park.

As we traveled that night during the last leg of the trip, a lightening storm erupted while driving through various reservations on roads not-well-traveled. Since the view around us at this point was 360, we could see lightening all around us which would light up the otherwise hidden terrain. I usually like traveling somewhere new during the sunlight so that I can experience the environment, so it was nice to have the periodic lightening to light our way.

When you are so far away from city lights, the dark wraps around you so that nothing is visible except for what is directly in front of you. At one point we didn’t realize we were right under Shiprock Peak in the Navaho Nation until a lightening strike backlit the 2,000 ft. volcanic pinnacle. That visual is still with me as one of the more striking visuals of our trip.

The last part of the trip was a 12-mile drive down County Road #8 - a dirt road in which we saw a couple of bucks in our headlights. The first time I came here 2 months ago, this place felt like the Western frontier and I again had that same feeling as we turned into the Buffalo Woman Ranch (BWR) in the middle of the night and arrived at the straw-bale ranch house (known as the Eagle’s Nest) where we’ll be living.

The trip to the BWR was 2,000 miles and I felt every mile of it. Almost nothing here of my lifestyle is the same as it was while in Raleigh. When I arrived, I felt like I could sleep for 2 weeks. The stress from all the change, saying goodbyes, moving, traveling and the unknown had caught up with me. As we opened the door to the Eagle’s Nest, a huge bird – I think an owl - flew within a foot over my head. Then in the middle of the night we heard a loud screech that sounded prehistoric - right outside our window. The same animal appeared again the next night and Robbie (the owner of the BWR) said she thought it was a bobcat, so I looked up the symbolism of this cat in the Animal Speak book. Interestingly enough, the medicine that the bobcat teaches is how to be alone without being lonely. He also teaches one to trust your instincts, expect new learning opportunities, and that there is true strength and power in silence. Good medicine.

The next morning we went down to the main house to visit with Robbie, Rumi, and Armita. Robbie is the owner of the BWR. Armita recently left her job, sold all her things and moved out here from San Francisco to live for 10 months. Rumi is a wise old soul that we had met at our previous trip here. She is a healer of many modalities and college professor in Huntington Beach, CA. She came to stay for a few weeks during her summer break and ended up staying a few months. She calls everyone her sister or brother and refers to people by their Spirit. She says I am a young spirit and she calls me little sister, but I think of her as grandmother wisdom. Her nickname is Tsunami and though she is only 5’4”, her presence is much larger. A talk with her always includes advice to take care of yourself, slow down and listen to your inner guide. We are happy that we get to see her for a few days before she goes back to her city home.

Rumi Tsunami originally came here after meeting Charlie, the original co-founder of the BWR. Charlie was a big personality and has been a magnet for many of the folks that have come here. She started the American Holistic Nurses Association (AHNA) and was a speaker at Omega. She is also the reason why Clark (named Wind Eagle by Charlie) originally came here. She had breast cancer, which had spread into her spine and a call was made out thru the AHNA for help on this healing ranch, since Charlie was no longer able to carry on her duties here. Thru a friend, Wind Eagle got the email and we both decided that this would be an awesome opportunity. Wind Eagle also grew fond of Charlie during his time here and wanted me to come visit.

A month later I came out with him for a vacation and sat beside Charlie’s bed in the ranch while she had already dropped into a coma. It was an emotional experience for Wind Eagle and all the other folks who were staying at the ranch. That night Charlie passed and a drum ceremony was held in the middle of the night that we could hear from the Eagle’s Nest. The next day participants came in from around the country for a 5-day training on Equine Facilitated Integrative Healing. Emotions were intense as all those who had been drawn to this work and came to the training were originally drawn by Charlie. I was the only one on the ranch who had not known and been changed by her. However, I quickly learned much about her from all the stories and outpouring of love from those on the ranch. During a 2-hour Lakota ceremony we held in her honor, I heard much of what she was about. One of my favorite quotes from her was that she would tell folks going thru pain and healing that she would “walk thru the fire” with them.

The Lakota ceremony was intense and included some of the horses, fire, meditation, drumming, a pipe ceremony, and a personal message from Charlie (Charlie was a medicine woman who was given a pipe which has powerful healing properties). I could write more about Charlie now, but I will probably sprinkle that in throughout future postings, as her Spirit is strong here.

Anyways, a lot happens here before 10 am and it's already 10 pm, so I'm down for the night.

A Yogi on the Buffalo Woman Ranch

2008-06-28T19:43:00.001-04:00

Can I first say that I never thought I'd be using a blog. I am in general uncomfortable with self-disclosure to groups of people that I do not know well - which is why I couldn't imagine doing something like this. However, drastic times call for drastic measures. I'm kidding, of course, but in getting ready for a complete lifestyle change - from a busy urban lifestyle to the isolated frontier of the Buffalo Woman Ranch near Four Corners (Colorado) - I'm figuring I will need a new form of communication since we'll be 40 miles from the nearest town (Cortez, Co.) and likely weeks on the ranch without seeing another soul outside of my husband and Robbie - except when there are retreats.

As I'm getting use to this whole autobiography via the blog, I'll make my first entry brief.

Here's who we're taking with us: Wylie (aka, Wiglet, Piglet, Sir Wig-a-lot, Yoda). Roxy the Rockstar is in the background - an unlikely place for her normal up-front-and-in-your-face personality so this is a rare shot.

Unfortunately, we aren't taking our Chicklets and Mama Chick. I've become quite fond of them and they of me. In their eyes, I'm most definitely the Big Chicken and they are always so curious about my strange featherless body, and I of their incessant desire to find the perfect next worm and to clean me free of mosquitos and other small particles of dirt. They'll be staying at a friend's ranch in Raleigh for safe-keeping until we return.

I've learned so much from these companions, as well as from our dogs. And, have found such pleasure in watching their curious natures. Maybe some of that has rubbed off on me. Or, maybe I've just realized that I am sometimes the big chicken that they see in me, but I'm OK with that. Chickens make good company.